A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
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[looking at a criminal line up]
me: *gasps* holy shit
cop: what? do you recognize your wife’s killer?
me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?
Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s
Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks