@__MICHAELJ0RDAN

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

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@pittdave13

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell whatโ€™s written on it

@McGrumpenstein

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

@Marlebean

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

@FlyoverJoel

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

@wolfpupy

i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier

@mommajessiec

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

@brendohare

A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. “We just yelled his name,” said the head explorer. “Can’t believe no one thought of that.”

@kumailn

Shocking that people who’ve been physically assaulting each other for 3 hours would lose their tempers.

@weismanjake

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread