Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?


[looking at a criminal line up]
me: *gasps* holy shit

cop: what? do you recognize your wife’s killer?

me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?


I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.


Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont


If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.


What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.


Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?


Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks