“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”
under a moving bus
Well if you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
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Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me: *gets out of pool*
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
*answers the burrito*
Hello? … I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, you called my burrito instead of my phone idk how but you did.
Bro Transformers are real! Haven’t you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.