[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
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I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Tier 3 meme
Me: how are you
Friday: good
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti