Well if you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?

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“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”

under a moving bus


Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.





Me: *gets out of pool*


I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people


Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.


Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.


*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils


*ring ring*
*answers the burrito*
Hello? … I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, you called my burrito instead of my phone idk how but you did.


Bro Transformers are real! Haven’t you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.


Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.