“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.


New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.


*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin


Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance

New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home

Having a kid really mellowed God out.


Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny.
Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth.
Wife: …
Me: Fine. No more. Period.
Wife: *eyeroll*


[Riding a saddled turtle]
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
Aww man.


Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas


me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life


Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman


*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.