“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
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*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
That’s not how days work.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.