Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I unironically love this joke.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“you changed” bro i was 15
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice