“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Ion see the issue
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Lube but for my dry humor.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet