“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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