Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
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‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.