Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

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*lights scented candle*

*accidentally burns down house*

*everyone agreed that it smelled amazing*


“Why are the good ones always taken?”

– Me, staring at the assorted cookie tray


Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.


Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…


– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…


So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient


Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home


Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?


Dear iPhone,

I have typed “haha” like a million times, but yet you continually give me “haga”, “hsha”, “gaga”, “hahss”, “hahs”

I hate you


I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.