Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
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*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*