We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!