My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
You Might Also Like
The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
me: what are they in for
zookeeper: this isn’t a prison
me: so they can leave
zookeeper: well no
me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody
zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.
penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor