@LoveNLunchmeat

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

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@AskinWayne

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

@livlivme_do

The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.

@whatmaddness

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

@bentev28

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

@UncleDuke1969

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

@kelkulus

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

@PMTheron1

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

@captainkalvis

me: what are they in for

zookeeper: this isn’t a prison

me: so they can leave

zookeeper: well no

me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody

zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.

penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]

@AtticusFinch79

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs