Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
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If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!