@scott_towel

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

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@droidbears

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

@AnkCoupleTO

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

@KeetPotato

unstable person: “when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”
stable person: “i look after the horses”

@iAmJuddy

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

@SortaBadass

Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper

@CakeThrottle

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

@aPunch2theJunk

I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”

I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.

If something oozes, it’s probably infected.

@WilliamAder

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

@stealingyergirl

[first day as a psychic]

Boss: You’re fired.

Me: Man, I did not see that coming.

Boss: And now you know why.