greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when
[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
unstable person: “when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”
stable person: “i look after the horses”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”
I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.
If something oozes, it’s probably infected.
Me: now lets do a silly one
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[first day as a psychic]
Boss: You’re fired.
Me: Man, I did not see that coming.
Boss: And now you know why.