Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital


KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

M: I didn’t say when


unstable person: “when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”
stable person: “i look after the horses”


Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.


Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper


I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow


I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”

I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.

If something oozes, it’s probably infected.


Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.


[first day as a psychic]

Boss: You’re fired.

Me: Man, I did not see that coming.

Boss: And now you know why.