Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
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Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”