Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy