Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
*washes up on a deserted island
*swims back out to sea
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[Opens “Where’s Waldo?” book to page with Eiffel Tower.]
“Paris. Easy. Next!”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
That was your first time water skiing?
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
What’s your name anyway
My 12yo son’s protip:
Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.