Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
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i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
lol
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.