“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
You Might Also Like
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.