well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.