@kibblesmith

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

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@nachosarah

hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair

@Average_Dad1

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@liv_thatsme

I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.

@sock_holliday

‘Winter Wonderland’ is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later

@LnL245

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

@AsgardianRose

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

@_NTFG_

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.