Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
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*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.