Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords