Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
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Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
c’mon!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)