When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.