I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂
Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes