Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.