“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.