Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Well, seeing as Jesus only had 12 followers, I’d say I’m doing pretty well for myself.
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I just want to meet my Doppelganger so I can kidnap them to experiment with hairstyles.
[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.