Well, seeing as Jesus only had 12 followers, I’d say I’m doing pretty well for myself.

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Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.


I just want to meet my Doppelganger so I can kidnap them to experiment with hairstyles.


[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie


guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine


To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing


COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre


Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.


<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.


[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”