Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.