@spotswoj

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

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@MacAnnabella

The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.

@mastrap84

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

@ToneLoaf

You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”

@weinerdog4life

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

@laurrlor

I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.

@jazmasta

By DAY he’s just a regular accountant. But at NIGHT he becomes a trash ravaging raccoon…
“Raccountant”..
Coming this fall on Fox

@_troyjohnson

5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”

Me: Probably through my credit card.

5: what?

Me: what?

@batkaren

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

@jellybnbonanza

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?