Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

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The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.


I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart


You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”


You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.


I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.


By DAY he’s just a regular accountant. But at NIGHT he becomes a trash ravaging raccoon…
Coming this fall on Fox


5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”

Me: Probably through my credit card.

5: what?

Me: what?


“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.


When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?