@JediGigi

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

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@EJT___

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

@TidBox

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@NYC_Blonde

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

@dril

if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

@RobertManchild

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

@MaraWritesStuff

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

@callstotheheart

My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.

@tjalamont

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.