Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
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My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
notice
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
spicy snake
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
You know I’m something of a chef myself