Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Sending in my taxes
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.