Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

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Exercise gets your heart rate up. Anxiety gets your heart rate up. Caffeine gets your heart rate up. You’re not better than me.


[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?


my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed


Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.


The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we’re too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.


Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?


I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”


*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*


Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over