ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.
HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.
HIM: GOOD GOD GROUCHO MARX!!!
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-
She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.
I know this now.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”