@ItsAndyRyan: Satan's greatest trick is convincing you he's not real but there's a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

@liv_thatsme: You know you're old when you see the neighbor's dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.

@michaelshermer: Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

@Staggfilms: THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please. LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

@Pirate_nurse: I wanna be the reason you're comfortable with your prostate examination