Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
You Might Also Like
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie