Exercise gets your heart rate up. Anxiety gets your heart rate up. Caffeine gets your heart rate up. You’re not better than me.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
You Might Also Like
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
It’s too human to go outside.
The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we’re too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over