@JustDontBugMe [Before Marriage]
ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.
HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.
[After Marriage]
HIM: GOOD GOD GROUCHO MARX!!!
@Manda_like_wine Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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@JustDontBugMe 
@SteveKoehler22 When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
@Ygrene [after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
@sara_ashlynn Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
@YourMomsucksTho I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
@XplodingUnicorn Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
@bridger_w “Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
@Freudianscript I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.
@CutCopyPasta [Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
@ItsAndyRyan “We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”