Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes