@AristotlesNZ

We’ll take these $75 baby shoes. No need for a shoe box. We’ll just let him wear & outgrow them on the car ride home.

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@philgibson01

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

@SkinnerSteven

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

@alexlumaga

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

@NewDadNotes

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

@MythicPicnic

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

@NicestHippo

“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite

BATMAN: Bats

MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction

@Megatronic13

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

@Sickayduh

One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb

@Cheeseboy22

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”