You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
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*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.