It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
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ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Tier 3 meme
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Meow
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.