Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I just checked Web MD and I have everything