Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
The 6 types of sex
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.