well they’re gonna sell out pretty quick!

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I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.


The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.


niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit


[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”


On April 19th, 1995, a man robbed a bank disguised with lemon juice on his face.

Since he knew lemon juice could be used as invisible ink, he thought it would make his face invisible on camera.


HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer



“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes


Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?