@notviking

well they’re gonna sell out pretty quick!

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@ZaraEatWorld

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

@SkippyMcGizzard

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

@iwearaonesie

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

@murrman5

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

@UberFacts

On April 19th, 1995, a man robbed a bank disguised with lemon juice on his face.

Since he knew lemon juice could be used as invisible ink, he thought it would make his face invisible on camera.

@amanda_poops

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

@daemonic3

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

@Ygrene

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?