Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Most fashion shows these days…
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school