Well, this certainly took a turn
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I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math