Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.