Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
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IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
RIP boiling water.
You will be mist.
I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.
But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend