@contradiction70

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

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@Underchilde

Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.

@tinynietzsche

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

@AndyAsAdjective

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

@vineyille

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

@CallSignSiren

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

@TheTweetOfGod

You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.

@aissalanis

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

@CrockettForReal

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

@tsm560

I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.