Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.
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I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.