Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
🛁
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb