I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
You Might Also Like
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Pikachu found the lost joint
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
😲 WTF? 😆
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him