@om_eye_goodness

well this was fun.

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@lawyerthoughts

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

@squirrel74wkgn

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

@thedad

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

@iamburtjarvis

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

@ColoChiver

If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.

@CrunkDriver

Out of Africa is my favorite movie about not having the continent you needed to finish your recipe