You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Sometimes I wish I were Dorothy, because I really like dogs and also because I want to crush someone with a house.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Priest: They’ve written their vows
Wife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.