*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
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“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
How did we not see this back then?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.
Comparing yourself to others
Out of Africa is my favorite movie about not having the continent you needed to finish your recipe