pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
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i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
huge valentines day plans this year!!
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?