Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I lost my ‘I Voted’ sticker so they made me vote again to get another one.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.