@PFTompkins

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

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@bush_piglet

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

@donjuantip

ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.

@realfunghi

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

@edgarrants

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

@impaulmccoy

I lost my ‘I Voted’ sticker so they made me vote again to get another one.

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@jazmasta

A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”

@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.