Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
#DesignFail
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Oh deer
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Woke up against my better judgment again
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
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when you order from DoorDastardly
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No