Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.