Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
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Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie