*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
B
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason