@bridger_w

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

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@DaddyJew

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

@clichedout

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

@JimmerThatisAll

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

@McClaneJohn2

I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.

@badbanana

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

@TheDailySchmuck

I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.

@joeldanger

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

@Gorilla_Turd

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.