Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

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Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense


CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what


“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”



I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.


Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.


I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.


Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.



I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.