Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

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Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”


How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.


[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too


I lost my ‘I Voted’ sticker so they made me vote again to get another one.


him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses


Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.


An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career


911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.


Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.


If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone: