I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
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Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!
Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex