@TheBoydP

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

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@iLikeCatShirts

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

@PMTheron1

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

@dragonsorbet

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

@impaulmccoy

I lost my ‘I Voted’ sticker so they made me vote again to get another one.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

@Jandalize

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

@ceejoyner

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

@Reverend_Scott

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

@StevieKnip

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

@CruelMeiga

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.