Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.